and emotion; it's with these disturbances that I feel forced to completely and purely step out of the closet to the one hundredth percentile.
How can I continue with the politeness of watering down my beliefs to my Christian loved ones when I feel the whole of Christian community has a lack of regard to non-believers and even less of an accurate understanding?
How can I feel a sense of belonging/community/solidarity or even family when my whole worldview is completely misunderstood and in fact viewed in a negative light? How can this not torment me?
The crux of the problem here lies in the philosophy of understanding. What does it mean to "understand"? how does it look when someone "is" understanding? how big is the valley between "understanding" and "acceptance"?
I have been trying to answer these questions for many many years, all the while attempting to avoid the problems by defaulting to minimizing the value of my personal beliefs... unfortunately I've realized (through the death of my Uncle, the Dad of one of the best friends I or anyone could ever imagine) that I've also been unwittingly minimizing my personal respect in the process.
If I don't show due regard to my own world view, why and how would and could anyone else show due regard to it?
I therefore feel the need to be open and free with what I believe, to sow understanding and cultivate consideration in order to reap dignity.
The the next step would be to actually post this.
I nauseate myself with my personal censorship and constant subdued expression.
Oh how many times I have deleted heart-felt words at the expense of a free heart and mind. I feel the time has come to allow my mouth to be as free as my heart. I feel deeper change. I feel willing to risk my increasing feeling of ideological alienation.
Listening to the Pastor at the funeral exploit a captive audience with full knowledge of many world-views in attendance has caused me to deliberate intensely. Reading the lyrics of worship songs sung in passion have forced me to reflect on the reality that most people I love and respect don't believe in death. It forced me to admit once again that they believe I will spend an eternity in torment in spite of my pure intentions (and pure torment) on earth. If I decide to go lie on the train tracks today, or use cyanide to fall asleep tonight I will rest assured in my lack of existence, but if God brings me to to His gates I will remind him of my profound scepticism and the pain He has caused me... I will remind him of the horrors caused in His name and I will politely but directly remind him of my preference to die peacefully (or in torment) without Him.
As for the questions swirling through my neurotransmitters, I will contemplate them in this revived version of "Tormentography" in my future days of living torment. And, hopefully, every paster around the God-forsaken world will read my every word and never again take even a morsel of dignity from another human-being ever a again.
If you have read this, thank-you.
If you enjoy the picture, thank-you (overlay of 1978 bike and skull found on famous Utah hill known as 'the widowmaker').
I am now going to wipe these tears from my eyes and among other things go smoke cigarettes in the forest.
Peace and love to ALL.
