There is freedom in death...

and euphoria.  Not even love can save, or so I interpret this film as.

Death By Disorder

As suicide dominates my mind this Xmas season I thought I'd post some shit I wrote back in July of 2002:



I sit and wonder why
for so long I've wanted to die
and everything I do
even though none of it is new
tears my security away
my stability cannot be kept at bay

And I would have thought
that by 24 I'd have been taught
how to make it in this world
and how to live out the wisdom I borrowed
but with anxiety owning me
my personal identity
can't be free

And with my worst fear
of each cigarette's end near
I live through these days
with enjoyment in a haze

And positivity giving me hope
I decide again to cope
Only to be denied
every hope or dream I've tried

And during the last breath of life
optimism is the knife
which cut the jugular wide
and motivation must abide
by the anxiety which consumes
and in the end brings all dooms

If only I could be
the part of me I can see
when ruminations are left alone
and there are no obsessions to clone.

These are the times which are few
between the prescriptions I do
striving to feel good
can't be done like it should

For all dreams end
and all roads bend
The benevolence of life has died
and all truths have been falsified
so I sleep my life away
and desire for consciousness never to stay
since dissatisfaction is what I feel
about myself and what is real
when I can't act how I want
or rid the emotions which haunt

Then I wish I could
be myself as I should
But my heart beats so fast
and my mind thinks so rash
that I can't speak what I mean
and anxiousness drives me like a fiend
Id rather be dead than who I am not
I guess, then, suicide is what I ought
Because the anxiety disorder which is me
is not what I'm going to be.

TropicHELL

This is a brutal lifestyle.  Annual typhoons stealing homes and family members in an already tormented tropical paradise.  I can't help but see the stark cruelty of the natural world as bullshit like this unceasingly destroys all hope as it takes everything else.  Travelling through this region as a devout missionary more than a decade ago, prayer requests often revolved around stability of the weather; I hardly believed them as they explained to me each year their villages are destroyed and rebuilt.

I can't help but wonder why I even read this bullshit.