Thursday, September 26, 2013

The void of expression and the paradox of "freedom"

I'd be able to say what the fuck I felt, but then I'd be "free"...
and judged, and ridiculed and the source of confusion and disappointment.  I'd still be "free", but not by the original definition; I'd probably be "free" on my own terms... which sounds like a truer freedom, a purified one.

That's the beauty of vague ambiguous ideals.  Define them how you like, and apply them wherever is preferable, making sure to avoid particular and crucial aspects of one's life and character lest the cognitive dissonance rips out your soul and life becomes too unbearable to move.  That's why the word "free" is used so often.  That's why the battle for a healthy mind is reminiscent of the pastor's battle for a healthy congregation.  And that's why my mind frames it's despair in those very terms.  I can shed the beliefs, but I can't shed the paradigm of a spiritually exploited childhood... but I shouldn't say that: the guilt they (the church) infused my brain with will turn my day into a painful rumination, and I'm not sure how much longer I can catatonically sit and worry before my body convulses with idle pain.  Literal muscle cramps.

"Freedom": we can all apply it to ourselves in some way or another: we may as well be astrologists.  Nonetheless, fuck a definition, we all wanna be "free".  Me?
I wanna be free of chewing the cud.
But this goddamn brain chemistry, a product of both nature and nurture, research of biology and doctrines of hell, will never allow it regardless of how still I can sit all morning, or how many barrels of tears I can fill in an hour.

Still, I tirelessly try and suicidally fail, all the while knowing I am reaching for nothing significant.  Bound by the chains and cliches of a protestant society and a god-forsaken mind, I sit here expressing myself with the very words that originally enslaved me, only to realize I have said nothing and expressed even less... but paradoxically, that's why I'm talking about "freedom" in the first place: for I am not "free" to scream about all that ails me, I am not "free" to enjoy sitting on this chair, I am not "free" to act how I please, I am not "free" to dismantle my flawed ways of cognition nor am I free to sip this coffee without a strict thought pattern.

I will never be "free",
unless I just change the definition of "freedom",
and create some obscure meaning,
but that's too equivocal,
I'll just shut-up and chew the cud.

Friday, August 30, 2013

Anonymous - Syria & The Drums of War

History has indicated the non-existence of imperialistic altruism.  Countries don't pour billions into military and foreign policy budget to increase the quality of life of another state, that is why we have constant human rights abuses in varying African countries and places such as Bahrain, N. Korea, and so on.  This begs the question of why any country would get involved in another's affairs.  In this case, with a world filled with human rights abuses, why is the US concerned specifically with Syria?

The US has never exercised military force without a vested interest, which why I've been perplexed as to their sudden interest in "helping" Syria.

In this video Anonymous breaks it down succinctly. Their assertion is consistent with America's actions of the past (a couple are briefly mentioned) and not surprising within the context of the iran-contra affair of the Reagan admin, ie America has proven its willingness to forgo ethics in an effort to protect themselves and Israel.

Naturally, "time" will tell us the truth, and by "time" I mean decades...  until then, we can be sure the mainstream media will tow the status quo and outlets such as Anonymous are left to sow potential seeds of truth, albeit with the haze of conspiracy.

We can only hope Anonymous is as wrong as the MSM.



Friday, February 8, 2013

"Better to forget and be happy than to remember and be sad"

An encouraging article, so be calm and don't worry about remembering it!

"Deb Roy, a cognitive science professor at MIT studying language, recorded 8-10 hours daily of the first three years of his son's home life. He compiled a quarter million hours of audio and video, creating a 200,000 gigabyte "ultimate memory machine"(most computers store about one gigabyte)."


Sunday, December 16, 2012

There is freedom in death...

and euphoria.  Not even love can save, or so I interpret this film as.


Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Death By Disorder

As suicide dominates my mind this Xmas season I thought I'd post some shit I wrote back in July of 2002:



I sit and wonder why
for so long I've wanted to die
and everything I do
even though none of it is new
tears my security away
my stability cannot be kept at bay

And I would have thought
that by 24 I'd have been taught
how to make it in this world
and how to live out the wisdom I borrowed
but with anxiety owning me
my personal identity
can't be free

And with my worst fear
of each cigarette's end near
I live through these days
with enjoyment in a haze

And positivity giving me hope
I decide again to cope
Only to be denied
every hope or dream I've tried

And during the last breath of life
optimism is the knife
which cut the jugular wide
and motivation must abide
by the anxiety which consumes
and in the end brings all dooms

If only I could be
the part of me I can see
when ruminations are left alone
and there are no obsessions to clone.

These are the times which are few
between the prescriptions I do
striving to feel good
can't be done like it should

For all dreams end
and all roads bend
The benevolence of life has died
and all truths have been falsified
so I sleep my life away
and desire for consciousness never to stay
since dissatisfaction is what I feel
about myself and what is real
when I can't act how I want
or rid the emotions which haunt

Then I wish I could
be myself as I should
But my heart beats so fast
and my mind thinks so rash
that I can't speak what I mean
and anxiousness drives me like a fiend
Id rather be dead than who I am not
I guess, then, suicide is what I ought
Because the anxiety disorder which is me
is not what I'm going to be.


Thursday, December 6, 2012

TropicHELL

This is a brutal lifestyle.  Annual typhoons stealing homes and family members in an already tormented tropical paradise.  I can't help but see the stark cruelty of the natural world as bullshit like this unceasingly destroys all hope as it takes everything else.  Travelling through this region as a devout missionary more than a decade ago, prayer requests often revolved around stability of the weather; I hardly believed them as they explained to me each year their villages are destroyed and rebuilt.

I can't help but wonder why I even read this bullshit.

Thursday, November 29, 2012

Does the Universe Have a Purpose?

Please don't watch this video, the economy needs you.  You are not fufilling your purpose by watching this.  Go shopping.  Buy things on Amazon or go to the mall; help out the 'job creators' for they are the backbone to society.  And by 'job creators' I mean rich white guys that rednecks idolize   ;D

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Photos of relaxation.

Put on some tunes or something, just fuck it and let yourself go.










Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Reasons to take the amino-acid NAC:

Because it's good shit and the science backs it.  Alzheimer's, addictions, schizophrenia, bi-polar, OCD and lung cancer are all affected.